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Many people struggle with memories they would rather forget, whether it’s something painful that happened to them, something they regret doing, or something they wish they had done differently.
Most of us are natural experts at avoiding uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, and in the short term, this can be a very effective way to cope. It helps us get by, keep going, or stay functional when life feels overwhelming.
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But when we avoid something for too long, the part of us that is always noticing might quietly conclude, “That must be something I can’t handle.” Just like skipping exercise makes it harder to build strength, avoiding emotional experiences can make us believe we aren’t capable of growth or resilience. Over time, this reinforces a self-image of being fragile, unprepared, or limited, even when that’s not the whole story.
A new way of relating
This kind of inner dialogue is common for many of the gay men I work with, especially those who grew up in environments where emotional expression wasn’t safe or supported. You might have learned to numb out, intellectualise, or just quietly push through, hoping the feelings would disappear on their own. But emotions don’t vanish just because we stop looking at them.
With small and intentional changes, we can begin to understand why avoidance was necessary at the time, and learn new ways of approaching emotional pain that actually help us long term. This work can feel challenging, especially when the feelings are tied to shame, trauma or abandonment, but we build momentum together by exploring the benefits of changing your avoidance strategies.
Learning new emotional habits
Once we’ve identified what’s being avoided, we can focus on skills that help us stay present with feelings, rather than hiding from them. This might include emotion regulation techniques, distress tolerance skills, and practices that encourage curiosity rather than criticism. We do this gently, step by step, so you have the space to experiment with feeling more, avoiding less, and discovering your capacity for emotional strength in a safe and supportive environment.
Feelings have something to teach us
All feelings have something to teach us, but it’s hard to learn the lesson if we never had the chance to develop an emotional language. I understand what it’s like to struggle with emotions, and I would be honoured to share what I know to help you build peace with yours.
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You might find yourself surprised at how much you can learn to tolerate and even find value in feelings that once seemed too painful to face. It just takes time, practise, and applying evidence-based skills to change how we relate to our inner world.
You don’t have to become fearless. Just willing. And you don’t have to do it alone.