How practising positive reinforcement helps shift a negative focus

Ask most people about their strongest motivator, and the answer will often be ‘deadlines’. Whether it’s for school, work, or chores, we often feel most driven by the urgency of barely avoiding a disaster, and this can become our default response. But I can honestly tell you that a better way is possible, built through routine and habit, which gives us more energy and less stress. Sounds good, hey? 

First, some quick background… Negative reinforcement means putting a lot of time and energy into avoiding things you don’t want to happen, like submitting that report 5 minutes before it’s due (to avoid getting in trouble), or washing your housemate’s dishes to avoid an argument (even though it’s their turn!). Negative reinforcement is our default because it happens automatically- the closer you get to something bad happening, the more your ‘survival brain’ feels threatened and yells louder, until you feel forced to prevent whatever punishment was looming. 

This can make life feel like a series of pianos dropping out of the sky, with you constantly dodging left and right to avoid them - narrowly scraping through each crisis with no energy left in reserve. It also means the solutions are hasty and unsatisfying, because rushed solutions are less thorough and less authentic. This leaves us less energy to go after the things that would really improve our lives – dodging figurative pianos through negative reinforcement means we’re never looking ahead towards meaningful goals (such as tracking down the piano bandit!). 

In contrast, positive reinforcement is feeling better by chasing goals that feel good just to pursue, and would make you even happier and improve your life if you achieved it. While negative reinforcement has us focusing on urgent things, positive reinforcement is about looking at what’s important rather than just urgent- how we want things to look and feel in the long term, rather than how we just survive the day. Living through positive reinforcement develops through building proactive habits, and asks us to re-wire old and familiar thinking patterns. The payoff to this effort is that living this way leaves us with more energy rather than less, and has a positive impact on our self-esteem (the same part which read this paragraph and might have said “Sounds nice, but I’m not sure I could really do it”).

So as with everything I offer, after a bit of theory, let’s put it into practice. A simple way to apply this idea is to think of something small you’ve been meaning to do more often in the evening, such as flossing your teeth, winding down with a cup of tea, or doing some preparation for the next day (like laying out the clothes you want to wear, or preparing some overnight oats for breakfast). Think about what time you would ideally want to do the thing each evening (e.g. choosing tomorrow’s outfit by 9pm). Then you set an alarm 10-20 minutes before then (e.g. 8.45pm), and start the task, letting yourself consciously notice that you’re doing a good thing before it had to be done. Give it a try for a week, and let yourself be curious about the results!