Parts language - the missing piece in your self-talk

Self-talk is a big deal when it comes to our mental health, and some concepts have more impact than others. In this piece, I’ll be introducing ‘parts language’, a self-talk technique that helps to create space within yourself to cope better with difficult experiences. It’s a favourite of mine because it helps with ‘how’ we think rather than ‘what’ we are thinking, and across many years of therapy practice, it’s shown great staying power with being useful across all kinds of situations for all kinds of people.

I’m talking about ‘parts language’, which is the idea that using certain words and phrases helps acknowledge that only certain parts of ourselves might feel connected to certain thoughts, feelings, or body sensations. This is a big advantage because it’s language that strengthens our connection with important ACT mindfulness concepts, including the observing self and cognitive defusion. By noticing that only part of us believes certain things, that automatically implies and reminds us that part of us may not believe those things, and creates an opening to notice some distance from them.

Let me give you an example – let’s say that you’re at a friend’s place, and they mention having caught up with your best mate the weekend before. You’re surprised that you hadn’t heard about it, and suddenly a little voice whispers “Why are they all catching up without me… Maybe they don’t like me as much as I thought?”. At this point, the automatic response might be to accept that thought without realising you’re doing it, pretend you don’t care, and feel (and act) noticeably disconnected from the moment. By ‘falling in’ to the automatic thought, our options for getting through the experience honestly and skilfully are reduced.

Using parts language simply means prefacing our thoughts and feelings with the words “There’s a part of me that…”. In the above example, it might go “A part of me is thinking about rejection” or “A part of me is feeling hurt right now”. Those words alone help to remind us that there are other parts to who we are, parts which are capable of connecting with different thoughts, feelings, and interpretations.

Creating space from thoughts and feelings helps to remind you that you have options, and you’re not really forced to ‘dive in’ to the first painful thought or feeling that comes up. It’s a useful practice across many situations – we can create space from perfectionism by shifting “I must always try 100%”to “There’s a part of me that’s always driven to try 100%”, and space from self-sacrifice by reframing “I shouldn’t say anything” to “There’s a part of me that’s still afraid to express my needs”. It can even help me create space from my perfectionism by changing “This blog post definitely isn’t worth reading” into “There’s that part of me that feels really critical of most things I do and say. Hey buddy.”

The shift creates a sense of distance and perspective, which gives us a chance to cope better, similar to the difference between running right into someone you don’t like, versus seeing them coming from thirty metres away, and having time to prepare yourself mentally or change direction. Give it a try next time you notice getting swept away by a difficult thought or feeling, and notice how the different wording affects your sense of perspective, coping, or staying present.